Sparky's Journey - Still the End

Today's schedule:
10:30am wake up
12:30pm lunch with members of the Dole Club (me, G, C) and an honorary member N
3:00pm Starbucks two for one holiday lattes
3:30pm Go to the office, now located in the living room of G's house. Free parking
4:00pm Visit from good friend CH, employee of LFS
6:30pm Impromptu DIY Pizza party at house of honorary member N.
12:00am Home

Surprisingly, our first full day of unemployment was very busy with activity of the emotional kind - eating, rehashing the events, more eating, being updated on employee reaction as people started figuring out who was laid off etc., Both G and I were flooded with goodbye texts and phone calls from well wishers so much so that we had to re-charge our phones throughout the day. G and I are booked up for next week with goodbye events. It feels like a death only we're still around to enjoy life. Despite the terrible events yesterday, today felt surprisingly good. I almost felt guilty for feeling so good until I got home. Alone, the waves of sadness, emptiness and panic fill my heart again. I guess my emotions will go up and down until I've fully recovered emotionally but with amazing friends like we have, I suspect we will get over this in no time. In fact, it's scary how quickly I'm adapting to this lifestyle. Not bound by deadlines and structure, I've already forgotten what day of the week it is. My brain capacity is already rapidly diminishing. At this rate, I should be brain dead in a few weeks. Oh well what do I need my brain for right now?

I'm grateful for next week's goodbye activities but it makes me anxious because I know soon enough everyone will have to get back to their own lives and G and I will be left to our own devices. This I suspect is when the real depression will hit. I tell myself it's not constructive to anticipate this and in fact, it's selfish to expect the attention to go on even longer than it already has but I can't help it. Unemployment affords you a lot of time to think, think and think which in this case is not a good thing. An interesting phenomenon about being unemployed is that Friday doesn't hold a special endorphin rush for me anymore. It was always one of my favorite days because of the anticipation of the weekend and two whole days off work. When I was doing the 9-5 grind, I'd dream of a time when everyday was the weekend but having experienced this now, Fridays no longer seem special. Maybe in time, I will learn to appreciate this but for today, it just makes me feel sad. Another loss. Sigh.

Tomorrow G's husband has arranged a pedi/mani appointment for both of us. This was such a pleasant and thoughtful surprise. I am so grateful and fortunate to have such wonderful friends. So my schedule for tomorrow: 11:30ish Roll out of bed 1:00pm Mani/pedi appointment TBD tell Mama Park I got laid off Wouldn't be a bad day except for the last item on my schedule. How long can I postpone the inevitable? It's becoming a game now. I've gone two days without telling her. Could "TBD" actually mean 1 month later? 2 months or more?Doubtful. By Monday she may wonder why I'm still in the house at noon. God give me strength.